Photographic Proof Of My Childhood Anxiety Is Found: Here’s What I Would Say To My 11Year Old Self

Feel Good Project day 76

There have been a few blogs I have written recently that talk all about the LIES I have bought in to, been fed by others and even made up myself at one point or another.

Today there was proof of this as I stumbled across a 3×5 index card while clearing out old files in the process of getting more organized.

It stopped me in my tracks as I read my own 5th grade handwriting.

How the card reads:

• I worry about EVERYTHING.
• I worry about my health.
• I worry about my family.
• I worry about the day ahead of me sometimes.
• Worry about being away from home.

SAD.

The 36 year old me wanted to reach back in time and HUG the younger me and tell her that she had it all wrong. That she didn’t need to waste so much of her life believing in lies.

I was trying to figure out why I had even written that down on a card in the first place, and came to the conclusion that it was either for some sort of Bible study program through either church or through my private christian school I attended for fifth grade, or maybe it could have been an assignment from one of the therapists I was seeing at the time for my anxiety issues.

On the back I had written a Bible verse about when I am afraid I will trust in God.

As nice and comforting as that all sounds, I can guarantee I did not follow that path for YEARS-the really letting go and trusting part that is. I just didn’t know what that looked like or how to go about doing that, especially when surrounded by family who were possibly even more fearful than I myself was.

I can honestly say that only in the past two years since I can remember have I actually finally been able to get even a GLIMPSE of what true freedom, trust and comfort look like.

I know there is no point on dwelling on the past, but I DO wish with all of my heart I could take back much of the LIFE that was snatched from me. I feel robbed by the amount of years that I was ruled by lies.

Since I know that’s not possible, what I CAN do going forward though is to play a mind game and act as if I am ten or fifteen years older than I am at this point in time, and pretend to look back on me right now and remind myself to be more free, to worry and stress less, and gosh darn it-have more FUN.

To be so CERTAIN in this future version of myself that ALL worked out in my benefit and in divine order, in order to not be robbed of these wonderful years I have as my NOW.

Even though the index card is still a bit bittersweet and brings a bit of sadness to me, I won’t destroy it as I originally got the desire to do because of the stagnant old lies-BUT instead to keep it in a place where I see it often as a reminder of where I have been, where I reside now and where I am going.

Even though today, like most all of us, I still have ‘worries’, if I sat down with a card today to list mine out they would be very different. The other main difference is that I wouldn’t so much call them worries as I would rename them ‘challenges’ and turn them into a more positive and productive learning tool.

FEEL GOOD MOMENT OF THE DAY: Felt really GOOD to have committed to spending the first waking moments with my Desire Map day planner, setting intentions and core desired feelings. If I can start my days out that way every single day (as is my goal) it really changes how I prioritize throughout the hours and I feel challenged to stick to what really matters and tend to waste less time. One of my core desire feelings today was feeling productive, and I can say that I can confidently check that one off today yay!

Image: ihomeschoolnetwork.com