I Got My Blood Test Results Back & Had A Complete Breakdown…Here’s What Happened

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Feel Good Project day 12

Today was not pretty.

In fact, it was the polar opposite. VERY ugly.

And I am not talking about the weather. I am talking about the hard knocks that life brought today, and the constant ups and downs made me reach my breaking point today.

I could be embarrassed to write the following things-which my ego is still telling me not to go there, but that was the key goal when I started this project: to be honest and unashamed of where I am at, in hopes that some can relate and not feel so alone.

No amount of thankful or positive emails could have come my way today to change my feelings. It was just lowest of the low.

It’s such a unique experience to be in, when you feel like you are truly, truly called to do something to hopefully make an impact on the world and the people in it. Never before have I ever felt so aligned with my purpose before-the VERY reason I was brought on this planet in the first place.

One would think that was a good feeling in and of itself, and I couldn’t agree more. It is the absolute BEST feeling in the universe.

However, the flip side of the coin is the frustration that can also accompany this kind of living. I could have never EVER imagined it would be this challenging.

One minute I receive the most heartfelt email about how my/our work is helping to change lives, how we’ve personally impacted THEIR life, that they can really relate to us and find the two of us extremely motivational. It makes me feel like they are on top of the world, all fired up about my true passions.

The very next minute, the you-know-what hits the fan, and the next email is announcing that you just received yet ANOTHER overdraft fee from the bank because you were not able to pay your bills yet one more time.

How are we supposed to keep the radio show going with such a lack of funds, much less even LIVE??? Just when we feel we are able to survive-BAM! Another wave knocks us back farther than where we just came from.

I am not trying to be a complainer or a victim, I am truly being honest about the not so glamorous side of following my soul’s calling, even when it makes absolutely ZERO sense to me anymore.

I threw my hands up and waved my white flag in surrender today.

I gave up.

No amount of orchid essences could save me from my moment of complete and utter defeat. All the calm I had finally been storing in my body left me in an instant, and I found myself crying in a park while walking Maggie in the setting sun.

NOT my finest moment.

Backing up to half an hour before my ugly meltdown in the park incident, I received yet another automated notice that my other account (the one that was actually positive) was now almost one hundred dollars overdrawn.

WHAT????

I couldn’t take anymore. I reasoned that there must be some mistake, as I had the exact amount in the account that was needed to cover the one pending transaction that would be going out in the next few days ahead.

What had happened was that the spiritual retreat center I will be getting away to next week DOUBLE charged my card for my entire upcoming stay, instead of just the small amount needed for the deposit.

You have to be kidding me. And on a bank holiday. REALLY? The bank wasn’t even open to be able to make this account positive.

I called the center immediately, informing them of the mistake, and while they voided the transaction on their end, the funds would not be redeposited for up to three days. Turned out they had charged my entire stay PLUS my friend’s deposit as well (I have a good friend joining me this year for a vision quest of sorts), even though she had called last week and already taken care of her deposit herself.

There was no reason for this!!!!!

Now, I don’t know about you, but having my hands tied like this, and things completely out of control put me in a VERY bad mood.

The sweet woman at the center apologized and offered to pay for the fees it would cause me as a result, however no amount of her feeling bad could change this situation. Although stern, I kept my cool on the phone but exploded to Justin when I hung up the call.

How could this happen?

He had choice words and steam coming out of his ears too-I had to stop him from calling the place himself to lash out at someone.

We both agreed that no matter how sweet, nice, spiritual, or old these women were that run the retreat center were-this was just very bad business that should not have happened, and that caused nothing but added stress on our end.

Knowing that it couldn’t be changed or fixed at that point in time, I headed to the park with Maggie (the tears began at that point) and wrestled with God in my head (and out loud!) the entire time about the whys and telling Him I didn’t think I had it in me to keep going.

I told him that I needed to know whether I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing in life or the exact opposite-and I just flat out can’t tell anymore what THIS kind of opposition means. Is it something to overcome because it’s SO worth it, or is all of this telling me I am going the wrong direction? It’s just become too much.

Then I ranted on and on in my head about the retreat center lady’s mistake and still couldn’t let that one go but asked God what the lesson was, if there even was? Seemed senseless to me.

Getting dark, Mags and I headed back home, with no answers.

Until I walked past a disgusting, dirty, tire marked tea bag sitting in the middle of the street, looking like it had been in that exact location for years. For some reason, the dingy and faded tea tag paper caught my attention. I don’t know what it was about it, but it made me actually stop and walk back about twenty feet to take a closer look.

You know how this one ends I am assuming.

Of course.

My lesson was written in humble, simple words laying in the gutter:

[spp-tweet “Socialize with kindness, compassion, and grace.”]

I had failed miserably. Given a true test of wills today, nobody could’ve done worse in my opinion. But there it was. It changed me immediately.

There was no way after reading that message that I could go on the same rant I’d been having before. I dropped it and moved into a place in my heart that hadn’t been to in awhile.

A place of kindness, compassion, and grace. For myself. For the retreat center employee (God bless her!). For the construction workers next door who daily test my mental strength. For ALL in my life that was not going as planned.

So I choose to finish this night with these three beautiful reminders that spoke to me in the middle of the dirty street.

I will first start off by writing an email to the retreat center, extending the compassion and grace that I get daily, while not deserving of it.

It starts with me, and ends with me.

FEEL GOOD MOMENT OF THE DAY: Through all of this today, the silver lining was the blood work I had done last week came back with miracles. TOTAL healthy liver (but I already knew that:) and pancreatic levels dropping a bit which is a giant blessing!!!! Overall, feeling like all the prayer and hard work in regard to my self care is truly showing!!!!